Back in the 1980s, Fernando Lamas (aka Billy Crystal) used the catch phrase “You look maahhvelous.” It was a great Saturday Night Live sketch. Today, I realize that I am still trying to make myself look marvelous. Back in October I wrote about my attempts to make myself look good.
Why is it that I still want to keep up appearances? What is so inherently ingrained in my psyche that I want people to like me and don’t want to show my flaws? Why can’t I accept the fact that there will be people who still accept me, despite my inadequacies?
I struggle with lots of things. I’ve typed the list here and reedited it and ultimately deleted it because… I fear showing people what I’m ashamed of in my life. The shortcomings, the addictions, the flaws… some are major, some are minor; some I’m working on, some I try to ignore myself.
Ultimately, I am scared of what people will think of me. I’m worried about disappointing my family and friends. I’m apprehensive that people won’t like me if I’m really vulnerable.
So, I continue to put fresh paint on the broken down parts of my life hoping that they continue to look good. And I think I’m doing a pretty good job at looking marvelous.
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